I'm In Pictures Now

I used to think I'd never be the type of person who had an instagram where there were tons of pictures of myself. We used to call them "selfies" but that term became outdated when the hot people of the world ditched the front facing cameras for their posts and started using pro photogs. I sound like I'm 35. Let's back up. You know the people I'm talking about - they are HOT. Hot bodies, faces, outfits. I secretly always wanted to be one of them. And while I'm working on the body part and I've (mostly) corrected the outfit part, the face part is a bit of a problem. Cause, you know. I'm ugly. (!!!). And it's not a "no, everyone has beauty" type of thing, it's a "each part of Nick could be considered somewhat attractive but when put all together it is somehow less than the sum of its parts".

So, I never posted pictures of myself. In fact? I never TOOK pictures of myself. I remember thinking "I can't have these ugly ass pictures on my phone, what if I die and someone sees them?!?". Yeah. I had a bit of a self-image issue. Cue many nights experimenting with angles, lighting, filters, positions. I Googled "How to take attractive selfies". I did the tried and true "hide half of your face" trick for a couple years. I wasn't satisfied but there were other pressing matters that took up my mental energy so I never bothered to try and figure out a proper solution. Then I remember one day I thought "Why don't my instagram posts get 'likes'? My captions are funny, and the pictures are too." I was frustrated and annoyed. I began looking at my peers - what were they doing differently? Well, for starters, their fucking face is in 90% of their fe- wwwaaaiiittt a minute. They are posting pictures of themselves. Like, their faces. and bodies. How can they just "do" that? I thought it was because they were "attractive". Posting their beauty for all to see, and for me to be jealous of. But, I was wrong. The reason they could just "do" that? Confidence.

I remember it came slowly. I started taking more selfies of myself and NOT deleting them. It felt weird at first. Then, it felt exciting. Like I'd discovered something new and great and freeing. And honestly, it was. I took selfies! Wow!

Then, I started posting them. You have to realize, my all-time "likes" for instagram were like 5-6 at MOST until about 3 years ago. Not like "likes" on instagram are important. I just mean as a reference point. It all ties in. This is a story about self confidence. Keep up.

In the following months I began posting selfies, reveling in the newfound confidence boost that 15-20 likes can give a person. I also started allowing myself to be posted on OTHER people's accounts. (wow!). It was new and exciting and I was so proud of myself. I even started ASKING other people to take pictures of me. Why not? Why not!! Why the FUCK not! The minute I started asking people to take pictures of me was the moment I officially left my self-image prison I'd built for myself. I was now a person who ASKED to have a photo taken of me! I do it all the time! I did it today! It makes me feel so good about myself. I'm not ashamed to be a 240lb 24 year old male who has people other than my mom and girlfriend take pictures of me. In fact, I'm proud. Finally, after a year or two of posting selfies, and asking for pictures to be taken, came the apex of my self indulgent and confidence boosting roller coaster ride: a photoshoot. Of myself. I'm a photographer, I know how to take photos and make them look good and edit them good. I'm talented. So why not me? I remember the idea came to me to spite a recent ex girlfriend: she just got headshots done and the caption was something like "Hot girl summer" or idk something white girly like that. So I set in motion my plan. "We had Hot Girl Summer, but now it's time for Fancy Boi Fall". Brilliant.

Wow. What an icon. 53 likes. Started from the bottom, now we are HERE baby. Since Fancy Boi Fall, I've done about 4 more photoshoots of myself. It's fun. It makes me feel good, attractive, "cool". I'll never be an instagram influencer with 2.8mil followers and $10k/mo in sponsored posts in my bank account. But I am now a guy who is in pictures now.